The death of a crush
Who knew that a five-letter word could evoke a plethora of emotions, take you through a possible roller-coaster ride, but keep you alive at the same time? Death.
Many believe death is the beginning of the life of a new organism. Some others believe, once gone, never come back. For me, this death was a major one. Most adolescents face it in their life. However, they go on to date, relationships, or they do/ do not confess and get over it. I never spoke about this and didn’t want anyone to know. This death was different. I hope it never preys on my soul again.
To you, the world, this was me.
The clock didn’t strike 12, I wasn’t as pretty as Cinderella, and this was no rom-com. The first time we met was in 2011 or 2012. Let’s name him Joshua. I don’t remember the date clearly because it feels as though a decade has passed by. Joshua and I were at one of the most happening festivals in India. Dussehra is celebrated for 10 days, and it is a big deal for Bengalis. Being a Bengali, I quite enjoy this festival because we get to dress up and eat good food. Well, who doesn’t?
The festival was celebrated once a year until the pandemic. So technically, we bumped into each other once a year. I never spoke much to him because we almost had nothing in common. I tried, but it crossed nothing more than ‘how’s everything going?’. My interest in him hit its peak when he spoke to other people. I would listen so keenly as though I were doing the TOEFL exam’s listening section. Yep, that’s right. No hyperboles there. By 2014, I wanted to get along with him, talk frequently, and maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be his girlfriend too? I was definitely living in a dreamland. This wasn’t going to happen, ever. Joshua studied in a different school, and he was already with someone. They got along well and had a lot in common too.
**C’mon, still don’t get the clues?! He’s not into you.**
This was a part of my adolescent phase of life that was one-sided, miserable, and disturbing. I tried not to miss any chance of taking a glance at Joshua, of trying to interact on a deeper level and looking out for the common things between us. That chance never came. He didn’t take much interest (I wouldn’t blame him) probably because he didn’t know me well either, and it hurt. There was a time in 2016 when I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Back then, mental health was still given little importance. Neither could I open up to my family since I thought it would be weird, nor could I seek help. So, I kept the crush a secret until 2020.
“Whatever I was looking for, was always you.” — Rumi
The unfeigned confession
I’d been thinking for quite some days about it. Overflowing with skepticism, butterflies in my stomach, but I thought I’ll finally leap. October 27, 2020. It was going to be a big night. At 11:25 p.m. IST, I sent a text asking how he’s doing. I get a reply at 11:58, saying he’s doing well. As the conversation goes by, I confess. I felt a little embarrassed since he had an exam the next day, and I didn’t want to mess things up. At the same time, it was finally out! A rock left unturned was crushed. I let go of a long-held hurtful period of my life. The pain was real. Every time I tried or even thought about confessing, I failed. I needed someone other than friends and family who I could talk to.
The aftermath
As I woke up the next morning, the day started well. But around 12 p.m. I suddenly had an outburst. I had no control over my tears, and I felt like screaming my lungs out. I was crying in and out, yet tried to conceal it as well as possible. Fortunately, no one at home noticed. Ever happened that you get this sudden feeling of extreme sadness, lock yourself up in a room, cry, cry some more, come out, and pretend as though nothing happened? That’s exactly what I did.
Something that I had never experienced before. According to the definition of the word crush, this was not “short-lived”. It didn’t die a natural death. With courage, I grew resilient after all those years and marked this loss with celebration.
It will come off as a gigantic surprise, but I’ve never had a crush on anyone ever since.
Speaking of needing help and seeking it, I think we all need therapy at some point in life regardless of what we’re going through. Each phase of life (be it happy or sad) can reveal unconscious thoughts that profoundly affect us. In fact, even therapists might need someone to express themselves.
Here are some helpline numbers
(USA) — https://www.opencounseling.com/hotlines-us
(Europe) — https://www.mhe-sme.org/library/helplines/?location=gb
